So fun stuff blog time !! :)
This week, has been one of the greatest weeks ever just because I made it about what I like !! :)
Monday i skipped college, did a bit of singing and had some dvd watching time with my friends, nice and tame !! Relaxing, a perfect start ! :) Tuesday was spend getting ready for my friends surprise birthday party which was amazing !!! :D The look on her face was priceless!! Wednesday i did a little shopping, sang a bit more and went out! It was just fun. Awesomely fun!! :) Thursday I got up hungover at 9 am and got a train to do more shopping, it was great!! Finally I have clothes with colour in them !! And i met my friend whom I hadn't seen in about nine months so that was also great !! Thursday night was my other friend's 21st birthday out in the city! With a combination of cocktails, jugs, karaoke, taxis and nomnoms it was bloody brilliant !! Such a good night !! :) Lastly was Friday, Friday was great, had lunch with Grace and then met my other friend whom I was going to a concert with, it was a blast of a night!! The concert was amazing, we went on a giant ferris wheel and I got scared :P and nightclubs in flat shoes are my new hero! Bouncing around like we were five, brilliant !! Oh and Saturday, today, I got my hair done, got new shoes and now I'm relaxing listening to a bit of music writing this. Perfect :)
Ok it may not sound like the greatest week ever but the last few weeks have been such a roller coaster that it was exactly what i needed, relaxing and hectic, exciting and overwhelming and FUN !! :)
This post is pretty pointless, but it is showing that I am not as depressing as my last few posts have been, they were just a few icky weeks ! :)
Now I think it's time I went back to reality and did some of my assignments that are due this week! Ah well, I'll just keep thinking of the new keyboard (maybe a digital piano) that I'm getting over the Easter break and I'll be grand ! :D
So until next time, cheery-byes !! :)
N <3
Saturday 9 April 2011
Monday 4 April 2011
April 4th 2006 .... half a decade passed....
5 years today....
you shouldn't count the years, just the memories...
N <3
Friday 1 April 2011
Grapefruit Moon :)
So this morning I woke up and went on Facebook, I read a little thing I had wrote on it:
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
It has put me in the most positive mood ever !! So instead of lazing around like i had planned I went straight into action! I revamped my room, i threw out 20 years of collected crap which I have never been able to throw out before! I got rid of half my furniture. I got rid of old books, cds, birthday cards, books from school and little nic nacs and loads more stuff! My room is new now. Like me. I'm new.
My last two blogs were a bit of a mess, but I've talked to a friend since and been to a few people and I'm so happy at the moment! I've so much planned now, so much i want to do and loads I am going to do !
I don't know, since about Wednesday my week has gotten progressively better, I'm doing things I never thought I'd be able to do even though I desperately wanted to :) I'm just in general happy... I know what I have to do for college and it's all doable well before the due dates, the exams don't look too bad so far, I'm playing piano again and sketching again so I'm way more relaxed lately. And I'm letting go, people tell me I hold onto people and I hold onto things, well this weekend I'm letting go of the things I don't need and the people, I'm free!
So if ye are reading this and wondering what the point of it is... well as Oprah says "You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on"
So today my advice to everyone is to let go and move on. Forget about everything that isn't good for you and isn't helping you. Make the decision to leave something and even if it is hard at first it's going to get easier and it's the right thing to do. :)
Leaving ye happy,
N <3
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
It has put me in the most positive mood ever !! So instead of lazing around like i had planned I went straight into action! I revamped my room, i threw out 20 years of collected crap which I have never been able to throw out before! I got rid of half my furniture. I got rid of old books, cds, birthday cards, books from school and little nic nacs and loads more stuff! My room is new now. Like me. I'm new.
My last two blogs were a bit of a mess, but I've talked to a friend since and been to a few people and I'm so happy at the moment! I've so much planned now, so much i want to do and loads I am going to do !
I don't know, since about Wednesday my week has gotten progressively better, I'm doing things I never thought I'd be able to do even though I desperately wanted to :) I'm just in general happy... I know what I have to do for college and it's all doable well before the due dates, the exams don't look too bad so far, I'm playing piano again and sketching again so I'm way more relaxed lately. And I'm letting go, people tell me I hold onto people and I hold onto things, well this weekend I'm letting go of the things I don't need and the people, I'm free!
So if ye are reading this and wondering what the point of it is... well as Oprah says "You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on"
So today my advice to everyone is to let go and move on. Forget about everything that isn't good for you and isn't helping you. Make the decision to leave something and even if it is hard at first it's going to get easier and it's the right thing to do. :)
Leaving ye happy,
N <3
Monday 28 March 2011
An Inside View
Ok, this post is completely to do with my last one (since it was only yesterday)...
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel...I need ye to tell me how to feel. I mean I'm grateful with what the Injuries board etc have decided I should receive, more than happy like... but I feel so guilty being happy that my life is set (economically at least) for the very long future....when it took a horrible accident and the life of my friend to give me that future. Today it was confirmed that I would be receiving everything offered to me, I should have it in eleven days, but instead of sighing with relief that its over, I've spent the last half hour in tears because of why I'm receiving this..... I hate today !!!!
This is a poem by him, aged 15...
THUMP, thump goes my mother's heart,
The chords echo in the walls of my surroundings soothing me to breathe
Floating inside a dark anxious space as I stretch out my short limbs
They brush against the cushion border of my small belly
Sometimes my world is very small, sometimes big...
Each day I'm growing and each day I'm starting to shrink,
I can sense my surroundings were preparing me for something,
Something out of the ordinary, something that would change my life for ever,
Sometimes I can hear distant noises, (from afar)
Noises I have never heard before,
I open my eyes to stare at two figures who create more noise than I had ever heard,
Eventually I was conveyed to the arms of a woman,
At first I was so frightened, I wailed,
But then, this woman held me closely and one familiar sound returned,
A sound that told me who this woman was, Thump, thump, At this point I knew I was safe, In the hands of my mother,
And I listened to the fading,
Thump, thump, thump.
He was 15 and brilliant :)
This is what caused it all....this is what has me in tears....this is what has Michael gone...this is what has me set up for life..... emotional roller-coaster is an understatement of what I feel right now and ranting on this blog the last two days is all that seems to get me going, their is one person who knows all that went on but I can't talk to him because we are 'friends' but he doesn't really wanna be so I'm alone except for ye....
Confused, N <3
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel...I need ye to tell me how to feel. I mean I'm grateful with what the Injuries board etc have decided I should receive, more than happy like... but I feel so guilty being happy that my life is set (economically at least) for the very long future....when it took a horrible accident and the life of my friend to give me that future. Today it was confirmed that I would be receiving everything offered to me, I should have it in eleven days, but instead of sighing with relief that its over, I've spent the last half hour in tears because of why I'm receiving this..... I hate today !!!!
This is a poem by him, aged 15...
THUMP, thump goes my mother's heart,
The chords echo in the walls of my surroundings soothing me to breathe
Floating inside a dark anxious space as I stretch out my short limbs
They brush against the cushion border of my small belly
Sometimes my world is very small, sometimes big...
Each day I'm growing and each day I'm starting to shrink,
I can sense my surroundings were preparing me for something,
Something out of the ordinary, something that would change my life for ever,
Sometimes I can hear distant noises, (from afar)
Noises I have never heard before,
I open my eyes to stare at two figures who create more noise than I had ever heard,
Eventually I was conveyed to the arms of a woman,
At first I was so frightened, I wailed,
But then, this woman held me closely and one familiar sound returned,
A sound that told me who this woman was, Thump, thump, At this point I knew I was safe, In the hands of my mother,
And I listened to the fading,
Thump, thump, thump.
He was 15 and brilliant :)
This is what caused it all....this is what has me in tears....this is what has Michael gone...this is what has me set up for life..... emotional roller-coaster is an understatement of what I feel right now and ranting on this blog the last two days is all that seems to get me going, their is one person who knows all that went on but I can't talk to him because we are 'friends' but he doesn't really wanna be so I'm alone except for ye....
Confused, N <3
Sunday 27 March 2011
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" Seneca
OK so since March 15Th when i last blogged, so much has happened and I am oh so very happy :)
So first I'll recap on the last blog i posted!:
Firstly, college is going amazingly !! I thought that the last semester of my final year for my degree was going to be hard, but surprisingly, the work is alright! I'm thinking my new found positive attitude towards everything is part of this. My results are the best I've had since I started college in 2008, my future is mapped. Winning ! :)
Secondly, the friend situation I spoke of last time, well I've put in more effort and so have they, with a combination of meals, random meets and birthdays everything is good again! Now i just have to hope it will last these final two months of college !
Thirdly, the boy situation. It took something idiodic last week to make me realise this but, guy number one, not so great, bit of an ass and really insensitive and rude! Quiet pleased with how the week has gone since i came to that conclusion ! :) Boy number 2 is awesome and I'm happy there too ! Thinking positive about it and deciding I don't want or need a boy in my life has made me so much happier, why it took me this long to understand that I'll never know!
......
So today's blog, is on something my parents know and nobody else, but seen as nobody on this knows who i am it means i can talk about it here and not worry about the consequences. I've chosen to write about it now because this week signals the end of the pain and the start of the future.
Five years ago this April I was in a crash. It was pretty bad. We all suffered hugely, with back braces, a funeral, plastic surgery, a lot of other surgeries and counseling, depression and anxiety disorders it has been a hard five years for everybody involved, all 30 something of us. It's hard because I don't even remember the accident itself, I remember the drive up to it, and I remember afterwards but those few minutes I've subconsciously blocked out apparently and it drives me nuts, not to know what happened is hard, especially since I think I'm the only one who doesn't remember. To have any idea what I'm talking about you need some basic facts. It was a bus crash, there were about thirty of us on it, including 2 of my brothers and a cousin. As far as i know it went out of control, it did a flip, landed on its top and facing the direction we were coming from (how that happened nobody knows)! One boy died, he had four cousins on the bus and a lot of friends. For months we all questioned why, how , how were we all right. Rumours went around school that so many of us had died that the realisation that any of them could of been true was shocking. I have wondered what would it be like if we had, my brother and cousin were both flung out of the bus, they easily could of died, they both had head wounds. But they are fine, just like me and everybody else who walked away.
When I say fine, i mean physically. The non-physical injuries are extremely personal to me. For five years I haven't been able to relax on planes, trains or buses. To an extent that I refused to go on holidays with my family out of fear and I only use public transport if there is absolutely no way I can avoid it. It's not easy, I hate it. And I hate the bus company more. The driver wasn't insured to drive that type of bus and the bus was growing moss, and there were mechanical problems also. How could they of let that be used as a school bus, carrying children, to school, on a sunny Tuesday morning! They shouldn't have and now they are paying!
They are left with the guilt that their actions killed a boy and affected so many lives and we are living with the consequences of it.
Ye might wonder why I said it was coming to an end now, court cases. That's the answer, a court case. Every child who was on that bus has got solicitors and have been handling court cases. Mine is just over! The relief is unbelievable. It's not that I wanted a huge payout because of what i went through, it's that I wanted them to be bankrupt, i wanted them to suffer and i wanted them to realise how much we have all suffered. With the amount I have been awarded and with the recommendation from a specialist in Dublin I can afford to go to proper counselling and I'm going to be getting 15 weeks of cognitive behavioral therapy to help me travel. It's not an end in that it makes the pain go away, but it helps because hopefully in a few months i won't be scared every time i get on a bus or a train, i wont be wondering if this is the journey where I'm going to die.... It'll be over.
The whole experience has made me glad I'm alive and it's made me realise how quickly that life can be taken away. I've dedicated the last five years to helping people, volunteering, singing to cheer people up, i work as lifeguard and teacher, i don't want something small or stupid to take a life that doesn't have top be taken. We all need to cherish what we have and help those around us, know that people always have something going on in their lives and even if they don't say it they might need our help, its important to know this and be there for people so that when you need help people are there for you.
This entry is long, and i hope i didn't bore ye too much but I've never been able to talk freely and now i can, now its over.
Thanks for listening guys ! :)
N <3
So first I'll recap on the last blog i posted!:
Firstly, college is going amazingly !! I thought that the last semester of my final year for my degree was going to be hard, but surprisingly, the work is alright! I'm thinking my new found positive attitude towards everything is part of this. My results are the best I've had since I started college in 2008, my future is mapped. Winning ! :)
Secondly, the friend situation I spoke of last time, well I've put in more effort and so have they, with a combination of meals, random meets and birthdays everything is good again! Now i just have to hope it will last these final two months of college !
Thirdly, the boy situation. It took something idiodic last week to make me realise this but, guy number one, not so great, bit of an ass and really insensitive and rude! Quiet pleased with how the week has gone since i came to that conclusion ! :) Boy number 2 is awesome and I'm happy there too ! Thinking positive about it and deciding I don't want or need a boy in my life has made me so much happier, why it took me this long to understand that I'll never know!
......
So today's blog, is on something my parents know and nobody else, but seen as nobody on this knows who i am it means i can talk about it here and not worry about the consequences. I've chosen to write about it now because this week signals the end of the pain and the start of the future.
Five years ago this April I was in a crash. It was pretty bad. We all suffered hugely, with back braces, a funeral, plastic surgery, a lot of other surgeries and counseling, depression and anxiety disorders it has been a hard five years for everybody involved, all 30 something of us. It's hard because I don't even remember the accident itself, I remember the drive up to it, and I remember afterwards but those few minutes I've subconsciously blocked out apparently and it drives me nuts, not to know what happened is hard, especially since I think I'm the only one who doesn't remember. To have any idea what I'm talking about you need some basic facts. It was a bus crash, there were about thirty of us on it, including 2 of my brothers and a cousin. As far as i know it went out of control, it did a flip, landed on its top and facing the direction we were coming from (how that happened nobody knows)! One boy died, he had four cousins on the bus and a lot of friends. For months we all questioned why, how , how were we all right. Rumours went around school that so many of us had died that the realisation that any of them could of been true was shocking. I have wondered what would it be like if we had, my brother and cousin were both flung out of the bus, they easily could of died, they both had head wounds. But they are fine, just like me and everybody else who walked away.
When I say fine, i mean physically. The non-physical injuries are extremely personal to me. For five years I haven't been able to relax on planes, trains or buses. To an extent that I refused to go on holidays with my family out of fear and I only use public transport if there is absolutely no way I can avoid it. It's not easy, I hate it. And I hate the bus company more. The driver wasn't insured to drive that type of bus and the bus was growing moss, and there were mechanical problems also. How could they of let that be used as a school bus, carrying children, to school, on a sunny Tuesday morning! They shouldn't have and now they are paying!
They are left with the guilt that their actions killed a boy and affected so many lives and we are living with the consequences of it.
Ye might wonder why I said it was coming to an end now, court cases. That's the answer, a court case. Every child who was on that bus has got solicitors and have been handling court cases. Mine is just over! The relief is unbelievable. It's not that I wanted a huge payout because of what i went through, it's that I wanted them to be bankrupt, i wanted them to suffer and i wanted them to realise how much we have all suffered. With the amount I have been awarded and with the recommendation from a specialist in Dublin I can afford to go to proper counselling and I'm going to be getting 15 weeks of cognitive behavioral therapy to help me travel. It's not an end in that it makes the pain go away, but it helps because hopefully in a few months i won't be scared every time i get on a bus or a train, i wont be wondering if this is the journey where I'm going to die.... It'll be over.
The whole experience has made me glad I'm alive and it's made me realise how quickly that life can be taken away. I've dedicated the last five years to helping people, volunteering, singing to cheer people up, i work as lifeguard and teacher, i don't want something small or stupid to take a life that doesn't have top be taken. We all need to cherish what we have and help those around us, know that people always have something going on in their lives and even if they don't say it they might need our help, its important to know this and be there for people so that when you need help people are there for you.
This entry is long, and i hope i didn't bore ye too much but I've never been able to talk freely and now i can, now its over.
Thanks for listening guys ! :)
N <3
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Attempt number i cant even remember what at writing becoming a real blogger! :)
New plan, I'm just going to say how things are going and what I'm up to, for myself really but if anybody wants to read it then Hi to you!!
New plan, I'm just going to say how things are going and what I'm up to, for myself really but if anybody wants to read it then Hi to you!!
This week is 'reading week' in college, meaning we have one week off. Usually I stay up in College and I do work up there but I've been ill the last week-ish so I've come home! I'm also happy to report so far, I've caught up with my tutorial work, done an English essay and am on my way with my main history one! Its been good so far, hopefully the rest of the week continues as well! (It's only Tuesday night)!
Other than college work I have been busy at planning mt 21st birthday party!!! Who knew guest-lists were so hard to do. I keep thinking that I've forgotten people and my dad keeps telling me I have too many people on the list and wants me to make it smaller, but really like on facebook I have 583 friends, he should be happy its only in the one hundreds! :) Anyway, the DJ is booked, he's a guy I know from around and he's DJ'd some of my friends parties and is pretty awesome! He is also going to do all 80s music for the first while for me so I can't wait !! I have to buy a new outfit for it so I'm saving for that at the moment! Correction! I don't have to, but I want to! :) 6 weeks to go!!!
Since I posted last October quite a bit has changed!! Friend-wise I have plenty and I'm happy! But I can't help hating the drifting part that happens with other friends! Its not easy to keep it together when you move away and when it feels like they don't bother, you just aren't bothered yourself then..... :( I wish somehow my friends knew I kept this so they'd know! If ye ever find this ye should know, I MISS YE! initials being, A, A, L, B and M !! living with ye for so long and now this year ye are only a short walk away but it feels like ages! I dunno.... blogland I'll report back soon hopefully with reconnected friendships to tell you about!
The one I always mention! The love-life, or lack of in this case! Many of my friends think that I still am hung up on a guy I was "seeing" over Christmas and a bit after, but... even though I've said plenty of times I don't actually see him in that way. I mean don't get me wrong, the guy is lovely, he's good-looking(to me anyway), he'd do absolutely anything for anyone and is absolutely hilarious and I could go on for ages but I won't because now you are thinking I still like him as more than a friend... but.... I was friends with this guy for a while before anything happened and now we're friends again so I really don't see the problem?! What do ye in Blogland think ?! However, there is still the other. I dunno, he is there all the time as my best friend and something happens then it doesn't then it does and in December we made a promise to each other that that was the end and we were staying friends, and just friends. . . . Only that is being compromised, he still has feelings for me.... I still have feelings for him.... but do I want to go down this road..Again?! HELP!!!
Ok, this blog entry is turning into me just ranting about anything so I'm gonna sign off now! Hopefully my next entry will have less of a time gap than the last and hopefully be a little more interesting than this one!
Until then,
N <3
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