OK so since March 15Th when i last blogged, so much has happened and I am oh so very happy :)
So first I'll recap on the last blog i posted!:
Firstly, college is going amazingly !! I thought that the last semester of my final year for my degree was going to be hard, but surprisingly, the work is alright! I'm thinking my new found positive attitude towards everything is part of this. My results are the best I've had since I started college in 2008, my future is mapped. Winning ! :)
Secondly, the friend situation I spoke of last time, well I've put in more effort and so have they, with a combination of meals, random meets and birthdays everything is good again! Now i just have to hope it will last these final two months of college !
Thirdly, the boy situation. It took something idiodic last week to make me realise this but, guy number one, not so great, bit of an ass and really insensitive and rude! Quiet pleased with how the week has gone since i came to that conclusion ! :) Boy number 2 is awesome and I'm happy there too ! Thinking positive about it and deciding I don't want or need a boy in my life has made me so much happier, why it took me this long to understand that I'll never know!
......
So today's blog, is on something my parents know and nobody else, but seen as nobody on this knows who i am it means i can talk about it here and not worry about the consequences. I've chosen to write about it now because this week signals the end of the pain and the start of the future.
Five years ago this April I was in a crash. It was pretty bad. We all suffered hugely, with back braces, a funeral, plastic surgery, a lot of other surgeries and counseling, depression and anxiety disorders it has been a hard five years for everybody involved, all 30 something of us. It's hard because I don't even remember the accident itself, I remember the drive up to it, and I remember afterwards but those few minutes I've subconsciously blocked out apparently and it drives me nuts, not to know what happened is hard, especially since I think I'm the only one who doesn't remember. To have any idea what I'm talking about you need some basic facts. It was a bus crash, there were about thirty of us on it, including 2 of my brothers and a cousin. As far as i know it went out of control, it did a flip, landed on its top and facing the direction we were coming from (how that happened nobody knows)! One boy died, he had four cousins on the bus and a lot of friends. For months we all questioned why, how , how were we all right. Rumours went around school that so many of us had died that the realisation that any of them could of been true was shocking. I have wondered what would it be like if we had, my brother and cousin were both flung out of the bus, they easily could of died, they both had head wounds. But they are fine, just like me and everybody else who walked away.
When I say fine, i mean physically. The non-physical injuries are extremely personal to me. For five years I haven't been able to relax on planes, trains or buses. To an extent that I refused to go on holidays with my family out of fear and I only use public transport if there is absolutely no way I can avoid it. It's not easy, I hate it. And I hate the bus company more. The driver wasn't insured to drive that type of bus and the bus was growing moss, and there were mechanical problems also. How could they of let that be used as a school bus, carrying children, to school, on a sunny Tuesday morning! They shouldn't have and now they are paying!
They are left with the guilt that their actions killed a boy and affected so many lives and we are living with the consequences of it.
Ye might wonder why I said it was coming to an end now, court cases. That's the answer, a court case. Every child who was on that bus has got solicitors and have been handling court cases. Mine is just over! The relief is unbelievable. It's not that I wanted a huge payout because of what i went through, it's that I wanted them to be bankrupt, i wanted them to suffer and i wanted them to realise how much we have all suffered. With the amount I have been awarded and with the recommendation from a specialist in Dublin I can afford to go to proper counselling and I'm going to be getting 15 weeks of cognitive behavioral therapy to help me travel. It's not an end in that it makes the pain go away, but it helps because hopefully in a few months i won't be scared every time i get on a bus or a train, i wont be wondering if this is the journey where I'm going to die.... It'll be over.
The whole experience has made me glad I'm alive and it's made me realise how quickly that life can be taken away. I've dedicated the last five years to helping people, volunteering, singing to cheer people up, i work as lifeguard and teacher, i don't want something small or stupid to take a life that doesn't have top be taken. We all need to cherish what we have and help those around us, know that people always have something going on in their lives and even if they don't say it they might need our help, its important to know this and be there for people so that when you need help people are there for you.
This entry is long, and i hope i didn't bore ye too much but I've never been able to talk freely and now i can, now its over.
Thanks for listening guys ! :)
N <3
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